.

i’ve told you before, being with you is a constant emotional rollercoaster. like tonight, i was sitting in my car crying one second and then the next you had me smiling ear to ear. you have some kind of hold on me, and it’s much bigger than anything before. i caught you smiling tonight and i asked you what you were smiling about. you said, “nothing, i’m just happy when i’m with you.” that kind of stuff makes me smile myself to sleep. but then we have fights so bad, and we say things so mean. and it’s just all so confusing. it’s like the good times are so much better than the bad. but when it’s bad, it’s really fucking bad. i never know what to expect when i’m with you, and it scares the shit out of me.

story time, bitches~

so in high school every girl has a crush on a type of guy that they’re not normally into, right? at least i did. this guy was really popular, the “jock type,” an asshole…all that shit. well i remember one time in enviornmental science he was walking past and a pen i was using rolled off my desk onto the floor. and he bent over and picked it up for me. let me paint ya’ll a visual…i wasn’t the most popular kid in high school, and he had a reputation of being an asshole. just by him picking up my pen made my little 16 year old heart melt all over the place. i remember everytime i would see him in the halls at school i’d get that stupid butterfly feeling (even though we hardly ever talked.) he even lived down the street from me when we were in high school. after we were both out of high school i remember a few times driving home, i’d see him outside and we would make eye contact for a while. eye contact for longer than usual. recently i found out he joined the military and let’s just say, he got HOTTER. i was driving to my mom’s house the other day and saw him outside of his house again. i decided to lurk him on facebook and found out he has a kid now. with the same girl he was dating in high school on and off again. i don’t know why but my heart hurt a little finding that out. not like i ever stood a chance with him or anything. but at the same time it’s like, “wahhh you’re so fucking hot, your girlfriend’s so lucky she got to breed with you.”

anyway,point of the story is: my high school crush is a dad now, and i want to fuck him even more.

moments like these are the ones i fear the most. when i’m sitting here swallowing pots and pots of coffee, doing homework for myself, and my boyfriend. when the house is so quiet i can hear the clocks ticking. when my boyfriend is no where to be found. when my mother just told me some very horrific news. when everything in my life doesn’t make any sense anymore, or ever. when i think how insignificant i’m making my life- a life i take for granted so often. when everyone around me is just as lost as i am. when i had enough money today to put 9 fucking dollars in my gas tank. when the semester is almost over and i didn’t learn a god damn thing. when the semester’s almost over and there wasn’t a day i went into class without being hungover as fuck, or exhausted from staying up all night doing things i’m not proud of. when i realize how much money i’ve spent on doing those same things i’m not proud of. when i realize how much of myself i’ve given to the same person that i’m sitting here doing homework for. the same person that i have no idea where he’s at. the same person that has hurt me so many times, i’ve lost count. when i look at myself in the mirror, and all i see is tired eyes and all my other flaws. when i look into my checking and savings accounts and realize i’ve spent all the money i’ve ever had. when i realize i work at a fucking restaurant and go to a community college.

i’m sucking at life, and it sucks.

Does anyone else attack their boyfriend and fuck the shit out of him during an argument? Or is it just me? We’ll be screaming at each other about whatever pisses us off that day and then i just get so mad that I want to fuck.

It’s a new meaning to make-up sex. Not normal? I know. 

I have a confession to make.

I’m attracted to an unattractive man. An unattractive older man. So this dude named Matt is a busser at the restaurant I work at. He and about four other dudes were hired a few weeks ago. Matt looks to be about 35-40, he’s very tall (attraction #1), has red hair, and is average looking. But Matt’s also living in a halfway house and I think just recently got out of jail. He’s got the hair cut of an inmate/military person (attraction #2), and kind of has an “i can fuck you up” attitude (attraction #3).

Anyway, I find myself so attracted to him that I actually go out of my way to get his attention. I’ll act like I’m having an extra hard time pulling a table, which leads to him helping me. Even leaning over a little more than necessary to reach for something when he’s around. The other night he noticed that I had a new haircut and he asked me, “Did you get a new haircut? It looks really good on you,” and I about creamed my panties. Tonight we kind of had a ~heart to heart~ and he told me about living in a halfway house and how the dude who runs it takes a lot of his money and a bunch of other pointless shit. But all I could picture while he was talking to me was him pushing me against a wall in the cooler and fucking the shit out of me. HE’S NOT EVEN CUTE. AND HE’S OLD.

Why do I act this way towards someone that I would not normally be attracted to? Is it cause he’s a ~bad boy~???? My boyfriend isn’t exactly an angel and doesn’t have a perfect record, so why am I not satisfied with his bad boyness?

I need help and I need help fast. Cause I’ll probably end up fucking this dude in the bushes while he’s waiting for his ride back to the halfway house.

he’s already calling me and asking to come over. we’ve only been broken up “officially” for 3 days. he says he wants to “just talk for a minute” and he “won’t be long.”

i really don’t trust myself with him yet and he’ll be here in about an hour. this is bad. stay strong, ashley, stay strong.

you driving all the way over to my house to see me. buying me my favorite bottle of wine. me having inside jokes with your friends. smoking cigarettes in my bed and talking about everything. cuddling for hours. kissing every chance we get. falling asleep in your arms. stealing all the blankets from you. waking up throughout the night to just kiss and laugh about random things. waking up with you at 7am so you can leave for work. staying in bed an extra 30 minutes just so we can cuddle some more. trying to get out of bed and you pull me back in. the sound of your laughter. how you look back at me when you walk to your car.

it all may sound very corny, but i’m really happy.

We were happily buzzed when you reached for my hand. It was after we both had consumed most of our Four Lokos.  I don’t even remember what we were talking about. Maybe our math class, or maybe the next time we’d hang out. But you grabbed my hand and held it as we walked to catch up with our friends.  When you were driving us and our friends to our next stop, your hand was resting on my thigh. Nothing too close for comfort, but at an appropriate area for the night. Then we were walking around town, walked away from our friends to have some alone time and we leaned against someone’s truck. Then you pulled me against you, my back to you, and you wrapped your arms around me. You started kissing my neck. Well this is going to be fun, I thought. I had liquid courage so I turned to face you and kissed you right on the lips. You at 6’7” and I at 5’7” made me have to stand on my toes and you to lean down towards me so that I could reach your lips. We made out against a stranger’s truck while our friends waited impatiently right around the corner. After a while we both decided we shouldn’t make them wait any longer and all climbed into your car. Once we got to my house everyone left except us and your friend. I asked you to get in my car for a second, and you felt bad that your friend had to wait on us again. We were in my backseat for a second before we started reaching for each other. You pulled me on top of you, so that I was straddling you. Rubbing your hands up and down my back and grabbing my ass. We made out and you pulled my hair and I scratched into your back. You always said how you loved that I was a Leo, and that I scratched into you “like a lion.” We were making out long enough for the windows to start fogging when we decided to call it a night. It was late, and your friend was waiting in your car right behind mine.  I fixed my hair and we got out of the car. We kissed goodbye and you watched me walk inside. If only you hadn’t brought your friend.

I said to one of my friends, “I need to go back to the apartment to get my id, give me the keys.” But no one was falling for that trick. All my friends knew I just wanted some alone time with the Aussie, Ryan. On our walk back to the apartment, it was about 6 blocks, Ryan and I stayed behind my group of friends. His hand would be holding mine then he’d sneak an ass grab. At one point, both of his hands were under my very short dress, feeling around wherever he pleased. It was hot. Once we all got to the apartment, Ryan and I sat on the bed and waited for everyone to leave. It felt like an eternity when all we really wanted to do was have sex. When we were finally alone we started to undress each other. He pulled off my tights slowly while nibbling on my thighs. I unbuckled his belt and threw it on the floor, kissing his hip bones. He unhooked my bra and kissed my neck. I was lying on my back with Ryan on top of me kissing everywhere. His hands were all over me, and then he grabbed a condom out of his jeans on the floor and threw it on my stomach. This was one of my favorite parts; I loved slipping the condom on him. His sex was some of the passionate sex I’ve ever had. He was rough, like when he pulled my hair and thrusted in to me hard but he was also gentle and passionate. He would kiss my cheeks softly and run his hands through my hair. After a while he pushed me on my stomach and got on top of me. All while kissing me gently on my back and shoulders. One of my favorite things about him was when he would whisper sexual things in my ears. He had the best sex voice. His Australian accent made the hottest sex voice, and it sent shivers down my body. I don’t know why I felt so connected to him when really all it was was drunken sex. We were at it for hours when he got up to go to the bathroom. That’s when he found out the condom broke. That’s when our passionate night turned into two of the scariest months of my life.

A valentine’s day post:

when you reached over for my hand in the inside of my thighs, i pulled away. you shrugged, breathed out heavily and then shook your head. i didn’t want you holding my hand only because you thought it would get you what you wanted.

but then when we went to lay down in your bed later on in the night, you got what you wanted after all.